Letting go of Ashley the "Skinny Bride"

So are you still training for that race? 

No, I am no longer on the training plan I mentioned before. I stopped because I felt pressured to spend my fitness time in a more "productive" way. I started doing HIIT (high intensity interval training) workouts, specifically Insanity. After a few weeks I stopped my Insanity workouts, and am now back on a running plan. 

If I didn't like HIIT and Insanity, why did I do it in the first place? 

This really is the tip of a much bigger iceberg in my journey of body acceptance. I felt I needed to do HIIT because these workouts are the fastest way to build muscle mass and lose body fat. If you are unaware, there is a really big day coming up in my life in which over a hundred people will all be staring at me. I felt pressured to "look my best" which pressured me to do workouts I don't like, and diet, which I don't want to do anymore. 

Well, I am officially done. Consider this a public service announcement on all issues of my body and my wedding. 

I, Ashley Thompson, am officially giving up my since childhood fantasy of being a skinny bride. Many girls have their dress, colors or flowers picked out for their wedding long before they have a ring on their finger. The only thing I dreamed about was being a skinny bride. I used to think marriage was a milestone that represented that your life was coming together. You were growing up, starting a new chapter of your life, and had a least some of your shit figured out. I thought that once I grew up, and had my shit figured out I would magically be thin, too. Now I realize that the together-ness of my life has nothing to do with the size of my body. Finally I feel ready to give up fantasizing about being something I am not, and learning to nourish and love what I am, body included. 

If this isn't what having your life together looks like, I don't know does. 

Compared to my current weight, I have weighed more, and I have weighed less. I have spent LITERALLY  spent the last decade of my short life dieting. For once in my life I am going to make a commitment to myself to nourish and take care of my body and love it, not matter what shape it may be. 

For friends and family who think commenting about my weight, or my exercise/eating habits is appropriate - stop. 

It has, and will always, negatively impact my ability to accept my body. Talking about my body does not motivate me to lose weight or improve my health. If anything it fuels self destructive behaviors. Trust me, I literally have a degree in health behavior, if there was a magically way to make people lose weight, I would have heard about it. Also weight loss is not the same as improved health. I am continuing my commitment to improve my health, I am just no longer using the amount of weight I can lose as my measure for success in this endeavor. In my attempts to lose weight I have picked up some healthy behaviors and some destructive behaviors.

All in all, I do have my shit figured out, it just looks different than I thought it would when I was younger. 

I have a job that I love, I spend my time reading about issues I care about, I have an amazing fiance that I am excited to start a family with, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I have yet to figure out the how-to-eat-without-dieting thing, but I am working on it. I do know that being obsessed with my weight has not improved my physical health and definitely has negatively impacted my mental health.


I do know trying to lose 30 pounds before my wedding will not help improve my ability to accept my body or improve my health. 

In case you are still a little confused, here is a recap: 

• No, I am not dieting for my wedding. 
• Yes, my body could change, but that is part of my current journey to find a weight I can maintain without dieting. 
• No, you are never allowed to comment on my body or my physical activity/eating habits, even if you think what you are saying is a compliment. It is not a compliment, by the way. 
• Yes, health promotion is still an important aspect of my personal and professional life. I have just learned that promoting health looks different than I originally thought and a healthy me might look different than I originally though. 
• No, I have not yet learned how to eat without dieting, and accept my body, but I do now those two goals are what will lead to improved health, and happiness in my life - not dieting/weight loss. 

Phew, that feels good to get off my chest! 

Being an adult

Lately I have been trying to find comfort or acceptance during times of transition. I think that is a valid goal, and that patience is a skill worth learning.

But …

I start to wonder, will life ever feel more complete? I guess, what does that even mean?

I went to school, with the hopes of a pretty traditional future: school, work, family (I know the patriarchy, exclusive/flawed family values, but that is not the point here). In theory I could have graduated from school, found a job, did some type of 9-5 thing, had free time, and started a family.

Now, a lot of those pieces are there. I have a degree, like 1.85 as of now. I choose a career I am passionate about, and find incredibly reward. I met and fell in love with my amazing partner. The love was mutual, and we are engaged.

All the pieces were there, but I still feel like I am waiting.

I am almost done with school, but not quite. I am engaged, but am no where near a wedding, and the whole thing is still really over whelming. I have a job in the field I studied and that I love, but it is part time and temporary.

I am living in the training wheels of adulthood.

I don’t regret any of the decisions I have made about school, work, or love. While surely this post sounds on the “woe as me” side, I really am fortunate for all I have. In all that I do, I give my all and follow my heart, and that has brought me so many amazing things in life (oh, and I have massive amounts of privilege, but again, a different post).

During the journey, sometimes you just wish all the pieces would come together. When the future is fuzzy, it is hard to remain faithful and motivated.

In the end though, I continue to let my passion, dreams, and skills lead me. I have no idea when I will even set the date for my wedding, let alone the actual date of said event. I have no idea how I will be earning money in three months.

This is one of the times I tell myself to, buck up cupcake, and get to work. I try to stay focused and on point. In the end though, it is still always a little scary.

Oh my god, I feel like I will continually write this post throughout my life. Consider this time 1.

2010: Time for learning, time for change

2010 has been a CRAZY year for me. Lets take a look back …

(source)

Basically January till July I was exhausted from school and teaching group exercise. July till September I lost hope in my dreams of working in reproductive health advocacy. September through November my passion for advocacy was rejuvenated, but I was exhausted from the election, school, and being away from Kevin. November till now was all about wrapping up the loose ends.

At the beginning of the school year I had to make some difficult decisions. I had to decide to leave Columbus sooner than I originally planned. I had to quit my job, and begin trying to find something new. I was scared. I knew my way around Columbus, I had a job there, I had school, volunteer positions, and friends. In the end I had to decide what was important to me, and in the end decided the “easier” choice wasn’t the “happy” choice for me.

I hope to write a post about my experience with weight watchers and weight loss this past year. This was another point where I had to make a decision between what I was comfortable with, and what would actually make me happy.

I also will write a post on my engagement experience. It was an interesting transition going from girlfriend to fiancé, and it taught me a lot about myself, about my partner and my beliefs about relationships.

A lot of these experiences taught me to follow my heart and do what is best for me, no matter my own expectations.

Some of my good fortune this year was luck. Getting my job was part luck, but it was part me too. I can’t control what jobs are out there, but I can control my background of experiences, and the connections I have. I think if you work hard, the luck/being in the right place at the right time all comes together.

Also I had to take risks this year, I had to do something with out being certain what would happen. I am a girl who likes to plan, so doing something with out a plan scares me to DEATH, but I took a chance and everything turned out great.

In the end, I am so happy. I really do feel like the girl who has it all. While there are new challenges ahead, I just want to take this moment to feel completely and utterly thankful for all that I have in my life, and the amazing journey I have taken the past year to get here.

2011, here I come!