Ambiguity

I have this new goal that is all about being happy. While this goal sounds nice, it is hard to understand what it means. Essentially I decided the way I was living life was not making happy, and therefore, I should do something else. But I had no idea what to do instead. I felt (and still feel) lost, but am starting to find footing again.

As I get older, I try to find comfort and less anxiety in moments where my life is less certain. Before, when I didn’t have a clear goal and method to that goal I would freak out. Being that way actually helped me a lot in life, but still brought on more emotional baggage than I care to bare over the long haul.

On the other hand, in my pursuit for comfort in the unknown, I find myself without any guidance at all. This is how I feel at the current moment. I set myself the ambiguous goal of letting go of my preoccupation with dieting and weight loss, but didn’t really tell myself what to do instead.

It has been interesting the last couple weeks, and I have learned from my experiences.

On things I learned is that at this point in my journey, I still need boundaries or guidance. The two areas where this impacts my eating/weight habits is journaling and weighing. Really that was all weight watchers was, keeping track of how much you eat, and monitoring your weight.

For me, journaling isn’t about keeping track of food to ensure I was eating the right amount to lose weight, but instead a way to be conscious of my choices. Therefore, I still journal when I eat, but do not keep a running tally of my calorie deficit. I find that in general I know how much I can eat and maintain my weight, and some day might stop journaling. For now though, I find it still helpful. It is helping me find a normal with my eating and less eating in the extremes. In the past I would “be on plan” Monday – Thursday eating very low amounts of calories, and then “off plan” Friday – Sunday eating to the point of pain. While the amount I eat changes day to day, it has started to level out, which makes me think I am finding my natural, healthy middle point.

The other piece of guidance I still use is weighing. I still weigh myself, and am slowly trying to make it more irregular. As of now, my goal is to stick to only once a week, and then hopefully even biweekly. Because I have been dieting for so long, I gain a lot of anxiety from not knowing my weight. I hope as I start to find my more regular eating habits, I will worry less about weighing as well. I hope to someday only weigh in once a month, just to ensure everything is in check.

With journaling and weighing, I am not sure what role they will play in my life in the future, but for now this routine seems pretty good. I really take it each day at a time. I look at my behaviors, reflect, and then take a next step forward.

A big accomplishment for me lately has been my cooking! I have made quite a few good meals that were mainly whole foods and vegan. It make me happy to not only increase my skills in the kitchen, but also learn to enjoy more whole and healthy foods. They taste wonderful too!

None of this is perfect. None of this I suggest to anyone else. The point of these blogs are to show my journey to a healthier lifestyle. In my life I seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. I went form inactive and mindless eating to over active, and obsessive eating. Maybe these challenges seem silly, but for me they are real.

I made a choice, I could keep living in diet culture, or I could do something else. With that choice I also accept that the damage that diet culture has brought to me will not go away over night. I hope to each day with each choice get closer to a more balanced lifestyle.